


Realizations and Confessions

by nagi_schwarz



Series: Blood and Water [10]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8594701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: Written for the comment_fic prompt: "Stargate Atlantis, Rodney McKay, a secret so deep he wasn't even aware of it himself...till now."   Rodney realized he was in love with John Sheppard when he was trapped beneath untold amounts of rubble on an alien planet with a cranky Major Lorne... Tag to 5x01





	

Rodney realized he was in love with John Sheppard when he was trapped beneath untold amounts of rubble on an alien planet with a cranky Major Lorne, whose leg had been broken in the explosion that brought the rubble down on their heads. While Lorne was trying to keep Rodney calm, Rodney was fretting about the tight space and whether help was on the way and John.  
  
John and Ronon and untold other soldiers had been in the building before the explosion brought the building tumbling down.  
  
Rodney was worried because they hadn’t found Teyla, Michael was on his way, he was cramped into a tight space, and he didn’t know where John was.  
  
Panic cycled in his mind again and again, because his mind never slowed down; it was why he was a genius, and it was also why he was easily anxious. _Teyla. Michael. Tight space. John. Teyla. John. Michael. John. Tight space. John John John._  
  
Worse than Michael finding them before help came, worse than Teyla dying and her baby dying and Rodney never getting out of this space, of suffocating down there was the thought of Rodney's entire life stretching out in front of him, years of science and discovery and heroism and always, always the gaping wound of John’s absence.  
  
Rodney ducked his head and searched through computer parts and didn’t dare look at Lorne, Lorne who warmed John’s bed and gave him kisses and got up to filthy-hot-fun with John behind closed doors. When John and Lorne were in public, they were perfectly professional and polite, and if not for that body-swapping incident in Lorne’s first year on Atlantis, no one would have known what was between them. Rodney hadn’t figured it out; neither had Teyla or Ronon (though in retrospect Ronon had been unsurprised by the revelation).  
  
That John hadn’t told Rodney before he absolutely had to had hurt, even though he understood. Regs. Chain of command. DADT. John had once confessed to Rodney, during beer on the pier (which belonged to John and Rodney never Ronon or Teyla or even Lorne), that one day he might have to order Lorne to his death, for the good of Atlantis, the Expedition, the United States of America. And he would do it, because that’s what a good officer did.  
  
And Rodney had been just a little bit afraid of John.  
  
But John would always protect him, always do what was best for him. John was his best friend, which was better than being lovers. Rodney was pretty sure John spent more time with him than he ever did with Lorne, and there were things about John that Rodney knew that Lorne never could and never would know.  
  
Like the fact that John had sacrificed a human to a Wraith to save Rodney.  
  
Back on Atlantis, after everything shook out with Michael and rescuing Teyla, the injured were kept in the infirmary under Keller’s watchful eye. Rodney and Ronon both lingered beside John’s bed, but once he was asleep, Ronon drifted away. They’d visited Teyla and her new, beautiful baby (which Rodney had _helped deliver_ , Jeannie would never believe it), and then it was time to rest.  
  
Lorne’s team, Rodney noticed, had lingered by his bed as well, Parrish clutching a little potted plant and fussing over Lorne, fluffing his pillow and offering him water and tucking the blankets around him until the soldiers - Billick and Coughlin and Reed - hustled him away so Lorne could get some rest.  
  
Slowly the infirmary emptied out, till the ones left were patients and medical personnel. And Rodney.  
  
Who went to stand beside Lorne’s bed.  
  
Lorne dozed. In sleep he looked - younger. More innocent. He was attractive, with his blue eyes and dimpled smile, his broad shoulders and muscular chest, and his admittedly fantastic ass, which Rodney might or might not have looked at more than once.  
  
Rodney wasn’t sure what to say. Was he actually thinking of challenging Lorne for John’s affections? Because there was no way he would prevail in an physical altercation. He cleared his throat, nervous, and Lorne’s eyes opened.  
  
He blinked at Rodney - his blue eyes really were incredible - and smiled faintly. “Doc, what’s up? Is Colonel Sheppard all right?”

“John is fine - as fine as he can be, given his tendency toward borderline-suicidal heroics.” Belatedly Rodney realized he ought to be at least a little nice, because Lorne had helped keep him calm during the whole exploded building fiasco. “How’s your leg?” It was in a cast.  
  
“Doc Keller fixed me right up. Gave me the good stuff.” Lorne nodded at the IV stand beside his bed. “Six weeks to recover, then PT before I can be field-rated again. I think Colonel Carter is trying to decide whether or not to send me back to Earth to recover. Better PT facilities at the base.”  
  
“Listen, Major, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”  
  
Alarm crossed Lorne’s face, and he pushed himself so he was sitting up higher. “Doc? Is it Sheppard?”  
  
Rodney stepped closer and lowered his voice. “Yes, it’s about John.”  
  
“What about him? You said he was all right -”  
  
“I love him.”  
  
Lorne shut his mouth so fast his teeth clicked. His expression turned blank and opaque. “You’re a civilian, Doc. And not American.”  
  
“I know you and John -”

Lorne raised his eyebrows.  
  
Rodney swallowed hard. “I’m not out to - to steal him. But I just wanted you to know that. I’m in love with him, and that’s that. We’re adults, and I think we can afford to be honest about these sorts of things. Need to be, if we’re working together and risking our lives for each other.”  
  
Lorne stared down at his hands for a long moment. Then he looked back up at Rodney. “I know John’s affection for you is unparalleled. If you think you could make him happy, make him -”  
  
And Rodney realized. Lorne was offering to step aside, give Rodney a chance with John. If it would make John happier than he was with Lorne. Lorne had used John’s first name. Rodney forgot Lorne’s half the time, wasn’t sure any of the soldiers had first names, save for John and Laura and Aiden.  
  
Rodney imagined, in the blink of an eye, being not just John Sheppard’s best friend but his lover, all that heroic intensity directed at him not just in the field but in the bedroom. Imagined how much more suicidal and heroic John would be, for Rodney’s benefit. Imagined John sacrificing more people for Rodney, sacrificing himself for Rodney in a way that was irrevocable. And Rodney remembered the quiet way John had explained how he’d talked a man into killing himself for Rodney. _I presented a situation. He volunteered._ And he remembered John’s inscrutable argument with Lorne right after he’d returned from his father’s funeral, how Lorne had described how he’d _systematically dismantled two human bodies_ and John had sounded confused but not shocked or horrified.  
  
There was something inside of John that had always brought Rodney up short. He’d thought it was because John was a soldier and Rodney was a scientist, John had always been one of the cool kids and Rodney had always been alienated.  
  
But it was something else, something darker and inexplicable, and whatever it was, Lorne shared it. There was a part of John that was closed off, that Rodney could never reach, but Lorne had reached it without even trying.  
  
“ - McKay?”  
  
Rodney blinked at Lorne, who was watching him warily.  
  
“I’m not looking to replace you,” Rodney said. “I just wanted you to know. I wanted someone to know.” He backed away a step, and another. “Don’t tell John.”  
  
“Doc -”  
  
“Promise.”  
  
“I promise. And I’m good at keeping secrets.”  
  
Rodney backed up further, paused. “Don’t hurt him.”  
  
“I would never.”

“That’s what they all say.” Rodney turned away and headed for the door and didn’t let himself look at John as he left.  
  
He couldn’t sleep, cursed himself for his insanity in what he’d done, what he’d disclosed. He paced his quarters and hoped Lorne had been too doped-up on pain meds to remember the conversation. Then he realized he ought to tell John, because Lorne was bound to act weird, and John would want to know what was going on, and Rodney swept out of his quarters and headed straight for the infirmary.  
  
When he arrived, only a skeleton crew was on staff, and all the patients were asleep. Including John and Lorne. But sometime in the middle of the night, they’d pushed their cots closer together and arranged a table between them laden with a _go_ board. John was playing black, Lorne was playing white, and Lorne was beating John easily. Both of them were asleep, Lorne on his back with his broken leg suspended in its cast - and John curled on his side, angled toward Lorne.  
  
Rodney spun on his heel and walked away.


End file.
